Blogging is a time commitment, guys. You don't really realize it until you try to make yourself do it on a consistent basis. But, it's kind of tough. It also doesn't help when the blogger is 2 steps away from being an alcoholic. I'd have way more time for blogging if I wasn't so busy drinking. Either way, today I am making myself do this.
There's 2 things I know about making myself do things:
1. Sometimes it ends up being awesome (ie: staying out on Saturday night when I didn't want to and meeting a guy who let me remove his jacket sleeves, wear them, and then be his arms for this amazing picture...)
2. Sometimes it ends up being awful (ie: this blog, probably).
TODAY IS MY BEST FRIEND'S 31st BIRTHDAY!!! And I don't mean it like my best friend that I met 3 nights ago at a bar and took a couple of shots with and have been texting eachother emoticons so we're automatic besties (that smiling poop gets me every time!). I'm talking, the person I've known for 18 years with whom I spent the majority of my formative years around all day every day best friend.
We have so many great moments that I would love to share with you, but I'm going to narrow it down to 3 of my favorites. So with that, here goes:
1. Back in 2000 when the election race between Dubya and Gore was hotter than Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid, Love - there were 2 houses next door to each other on one of the main streets in a sweet little Tennessee town called Hermitage. These two houses were separated by a street, and also by their political affiliation. It was obviously a big deal for them to make sure their neighbor, and the world, knew who they were voting for. They did this by buying the biggest yard signs for their respective candidates that I've ever seen in real life. From the road these signs looked like they were pretty big - but when you get up close to them you realize they are bigger than your body (John Mayer shout out!). Wait, how do we know how big they are? Oh, well, that's the thing... we decided one night, around midnight, that it would be an excellent idea if we switched their signs. In the year 2000 we were seniors in high school so obviously we were fearless. Of course running into two yards at midnight in a gun totin' state is something I would never do as a 29 year old...actually scratch that. I feel like this is something I would still do... but anyway back to the story. We park the car, run out, run to the first sign and OH SHIT THIS THING IS HUGE AND HEAVY AND BUILT WITH WOOD WHAT IS HAPPENING!!!! We were in too deep to give up, though, so stuck to our guns (arms not pistols) and made it across. I'm 80% sure I peed myself laughing, and also probably because I wasn't used to such heavy lifting. We got the one sign across and then half assed getting the second sign across, but we still got it there. The only thing I regret is not being there to see the looks on their faces the next morning when they realized what happened. In my head they both look like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone when he puts the aftershave on. Sidebar: Macaulay is not spelled at all like I thought it was. Sidebar to the sidebar: Who in the Robert Frost names their kid Macaulay?
2. Our friend Jay was getting married a few years ago and because I'm almost more dude than I am broad I was invited to the bachelor party. Said party included us getting a Hummer limo and bar hopping downtown. Oh and there was lots of booze. That's a thing. After a quick snafu of the limo literally losing power and us sitting on the side of the road and slamming beer, we finally make it out! So we get hammered, ride around the streets of downown, and somehow decide that obviously the tourists are going to think we are Tim McGraw and Faith Hill- so we start screaming out the window "ELLO!!!! I'M FAIT EEL AND THIS IS ME USBAND TIM MCGRAAAWL". Oh, does that sound like a poor man's British accent to you? Because it should. Why did we put on a British accent to scream to strangers that we were Country Music's power couple? I dunno, blame it on the goose. (got me feelin' loose).
3. In High School people that didn't know better thought he and I were dating. This is probably because he used to write me notes talking about getting me pregnant and we were together 24/7. (speaking of - one time my crazy pot smoking teacher found one of those notes and called my mom in for a parent teacher conference to tell her about it. Ole' moms knew it was harmless and ended up getting more mad at the teacher for making her leave work. Mer for the w.) We decided our Senior Year, as a goodbye to everyone, we would milk their misconception for all we could. This included staged fights in the hallway after a big break up in our school's Love Lines. For those of you who don't have schools that make you pay 50 cents to put together a paper on Valentine's Day where you can leave 160 characters or less (first twitter!!!!!!) for your friends and loved ones, Love Lines are a thing where you could pay 50 cents to write a love note to your friends and loved ones and then they published it in a paper. You also had to pay for the paper. The worst part of love lines (i guess for some people, I wouldn't know about it) is if you didn't get any. The best part of love lines is when Ben and I schemed and included the following:
"To Meredith: Roses are red, violets are blue, trash gets dumped and so did you. Love, Ben"
"To Benjamin: Roses are red, violets are blue, bugs make me puke and so do you. No Love, Mer"
For us and our friends this was a hilarious action. For everyone else, it was the worst thing to happen in 2001. Worse than when Britney and Justin called it quits. Worse than when N*SYNC stopped making albums. Worse than that time someone came into their yard and switched their damn yard signs. I mean, it was a big deal. Most of the flack came down on Ben, which is awesome for me. How dare he break up with me in such a mean way for the whole school who had $1 to read!!!!! I got so many hugs and condolences. It was very sweet. He got dirty looks and one time got accosted at the grocery store from one of the bag boys who went to school with us and wasn't at all happy with the way he mistreated me. This also resulted in the sweet, but not my type, sophomore in my science class who I had convinced that he and I couldn't date because I had a boyfriend, writing me the best love letter I have ever seen. I'm pretty sure he drew wrestlers, four leaf clovers, and my name in stars on it. Unfortunately for him, Ben and I fake got back together like 2 days later.
Seriously though you guys I hope you are all lucky enough to have, or have had, or will have, a friend as amazing as my Benny. He's so sweet it makes my teeth hurt, except for when he's drunk as fuck on his 31st birthday and stealing the air horn from my purse to blow at the bar, and then calling me bad names when the bartender demands I take it away from him. Don't worry about why I have an air horn in my purse.
Next blog may need to be about Teen Mom 2, simply because while watching it right now there are so many things I need to say about it.
Catch ya later, STD's!
