Bears can smell the menstruation

We watched Biggest Loser last night in between all of us checking our facebooks, twitters, words with friends, scrambles, draw somethings, emails, texts, and snap chats. 

There's 2 things I know for sure about Biggest Loser:

1. This guy's face is the best thing that ever happened to it.
2. Every week I get mad that it tells me to go out and exercise and then sucks me in for 2 hours of couch time. I could do at least 4 - 7 pushups in that amount of time. 

Beat it, Biggest Loser, but - GOOD MORNING INTERNETS!

I feel it should be appropriate to say good morning until you have your first cup of coffee. No matter what time it is. Nothing gets on my nerves more than when I tell someone "good morning" and they snootily reply something like "um, it's 12:34. It's the afternoon." Oh cool, thanks for letting me in on that secret. What I meant to say was "subpar afternoon to you, asshat."

I have a case of the bitters this morning (or afternoon if you've had coffee already. I haven't yet) because we have to go downtown in the rain. Nothing gets on my nerves more than finding out that you're not going to your favorite part of town but instead going to the part of town that charges you $5 for a miller lite and you know at some point you're going to be crotch to crotch with 50 strangers who think you're supposed to be super sweet to them because you live in the new "it" city. Sorry I'm not in the mood to deal with you, tourist, but I'm bleeding from my downstairs and my guts feel like an alien baby is going to rip itself out of me at any minute. (too much too soon?) Also, I just spent a mortgage payment on 17 beers (did I mention I'm an alcoholic?) that taste just like beer flavored water.

We're dressing like the 80's and playing bar golf today for my friend's birthday (if you're reading this, E, downtown is super fun and I can't wait to go. I love you, happy birthday, etc). I've never played before so I'm interested to see what happens here.  I've also never played real golf, unless you count putt putt, so I don't even really have those rules nailed down. I prefer sports with bigger balls that have stitching. (just like i like my men. vasectomies are sexy, amirite?!) Either way I'm sure once I get drunk I'll forget my attitude problem ever happened and all my friends will be like "omgahhh seeeee i told you that you'd have fun!!!" because that's what they do. And I have to be like OK YOU ARE RIGHT I KNOW I AM ALWAYS FUN IT IS A BLESSING AND A CURSE! (Just like getting your period! Full circle!!!)

Alright, time to pull myself up by the slap bracelet and throw on my fluorescent leg warmers so we can get this party started! Have a great Saturday you delicious cinnabuns.