That's where I was and that's what this blog is going to be about. Kind of like a "do's" and "dont's" but way less mommish.
There's 2 things I know for sure about Mardi Gras:
1. You're gonna get drunk.
2. You're gonna get really drunk.
First thing's first - please do look at the gif to the right here of my friend failing to win the flashdance dance on the bed game that somehow was a good idea after a long day of drinking. You should probably watch it 8 times a day, because that's what I do. I would love to show you the whole video, but that's a process and I just gave up vodka for lent so I'm not trying to do anybody any favors today.
Also, do go with fun people. The majority of my laughter was spent at the hotel rooms and waiting for parades to arrive. Sure, getting wasted and hit on and having your ass full hand grabbed at the bar/on the street is fun, but it's not as fun as interviewing the drunkest of your friends so that you can watch the shenanigans in the morning. Or - as you see above - watching them fall off the bed. Nothing in the history of anything is more fun than watching your friend Harlem shake herself onto the floor. (I hear the "Harlem shake" is back, but it's been super whited down). Do you get my point here? If not, please stop reading and look up and to the right again. I just did - and a little pee came out.
Don't try to plan anything. You can try, but nothing you plan out is going to work the way you think it is. Planning on meeting your friends at the hotel when you get there so you can go out? Wrong. There's going to be a parade that makes it impossible to even get to your hotel. Don't worry though, because you're going to end up running into them whilst talking to cops on horses. Planning on not taking shots? Wrong, some chick is literally going to shot rape your mouth for $27. Planning on having a chill first night there since you got in at 10pm? haha - yeah right - you're going to be pulled on stage with a girl who is literally showing her boobs and vag, have a dance party at a daquiri bar, pay $30 to go into a gay bar before one of your friends makes you leave, go pay another $15 to watch a big dick contest while same friend cries about a boy, fall off of a stool (but land on your feet), and then have to help your other friend run away from big dick #3. What's that saying go? You make plans and God laughs? I also feel like God is laughing at my lack of vodka for the next 40 days. Rude.
Speaking of dont's - don't use your debit card. If you're like me and try to not put things on credit (mostly because they're maxed out) and try to only use your debit card - you're going to get screwed. Why would you get screwed? Oh because they know you're out of town and wasted and they will charge your card $100 for a $17 tab. How do I know that will happen? Because it did. Just like everything else in this blog. So - if you aren't going to save your receipts, which you won't because I'm the only asshole who does that - use your credit card so you can dispute those charges.
Don't bring panties. I don't say this because I want you to be hoochie or gross, I say this because when you walk down the street you will get several pairs thrown at you. This way, you can save your good stuff and just wear what you get. You probably will feel less bad about peeing your pants that way, too. Not that peeing your pants ever happens...
Back to do's - do go with friends who have been to Mardi Gras before. Especially if those friends have friends who go as well. Met some awesome people that we got to hang out with and actually knew what they were doing. That is, until your fally mcfallerson friend wanders alone because she's bored at Fat Tuesdays so you end up somewhere else. But, that's neither here nor there - or anywhere because where the f did she go!?!
Lastly, do go to Mardi Gras. The younger you are the better. I'm pushing 30 and day 3 was getting pretty rough - and that is for someone who drinks regularly. If you don't have a liver soaked with vodka and Abita you should probably train for this kindof thing. Jesus take the wheel for you if you're a light weekend drinker. I honestly don't think you'll make it. If you need training tips let me know, I can type some out for you.
That's all for this today. I need to go eat girl scout cookies and plan out how I'm going to use my last day of vodka drinking for awhile. Oh it's so good. In shots. With Red Bull. Flavored with soda and a splash of cran...whyamidoingthistomyself?!?! HOLD ME BYEEEEEEEEEE
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