Look at that girl with the daisy dukes on (EVERYBODY!)

I've missed you guys so much. Have you missed me? Of course you have, that's just silly. Been a crazy little stretch of life since I last blogged and the last week or so I've been in a "I get to drink vodka so soon" haze that left me with the inability to properly form sentences. Thank goodness lent is over. I celebrated the way anybody else celebrates rebirth. Vodka red bull.

Speaking of rebirth, there's 2 things I know for sure about babies:

1. A freaking ton of people I know these days are looking into getting, or have already given birth to, one. 

2. Not all of them are cute.


What do you do when you come across an ugly baby? Good question, hoss. I feel like I should preface this by saying all of my friends who have chosen to spawn fruit from their loins have had super cute ones. I really do mean that (seriously) and I'm not lying (for real you have cute kids) so don't get all weirdo on me and ask me if I think your kid is ugly or you look fat in that dress. Either way I'm going to be honest with you. Ask Rachel. BUT not all babies are fortunate enough to come from parents as beautiful as my friends, so they come out a little wonky looking. Look, it's fine. Sometimes they grow up to be beautiful. Sometimes they grow up to develop awesome personalities which lead them to becoming amazing actors and/or actresses and they get nominated for an Emmy for kicking ass as Nucky Thompson. Or, there's always radio. The world takes all kinds, people, and that's okay! 

That said - if you see a Buscemi baby, here are my suggestions of things you can say/do to appropriately, and delicately, handle the situation.

• You had a baby! Congratulations that is so exciting!! I remember when my dog was a puppy and her head was too big for her body and then when she grew up she kind of grew into it. I feel like puppies and babies can be so similar sometimes! I just love them!
•  OH MAN IT'S A BABY! And look at that outfit - it is just so darling. Baby clothes can make any baby look adorable!  (You also sound legit when you say things like "darling" about babies)

• Oooooooooooooh! It's your baby!!! Look at that face!!! (Tone is key here. You must, and I mean must, say "that" in a way that makes them think this is a positive thing, despite what your gut is telling you.) 
• Try to point out the least offensive features. Oh! So much hair! What?? Those eyes are so blue! Goodness! Look at those cute baby finger nails! Even the ugliest of babies have to have a redeeming quality somewhere. 
• If all else fails, just run. You run hard and you run fast and while you're running you can think of reasons as to why you just ran away for no reason. Maybe you're allergic? Maybe you saw a wasp? Maybe you just don't care for ugly babies? You have plenty of time to figure it out.

That's all I got for now, but I would like to point out, that most of these things are also acceptable for ugly adults. If you ever get into a sticky situation just remember these rules. Whenever people I know get a bad hair cut or dye job, I like to tell them it really brings out their eyes. This is because I'm actively staring into their eyes as to not look at their hair. 

If you have any other pointers, please feel free to share. I know like 4 pregnant people and they all read this blog. 

ILOVEYOUBYE !!!