We had a gas leak scare at work today so we stood outside for like 13 1/2 minutes, but it's cool.

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy guys I'm back. (from outer space. sidebar: why was Gloria Gaynor's boyfriend in outer space? Do you think she dated Neil Armstrong? Was she the original Taylor Swift? ahhh .. so many unanswered questions. I guess I will survive. (hey hey!)) 

Last weekend I went to the great land of the midwest to visit my mom parent and the rest of the Herb's (sick band name).  Was a great time and I miss her already. Now that the sentimental stuff is out of the way...

There are 2 things I know for sure about travelling:

1. I've been doing so much of it lately that I have formed opinions.

2. My mom says the darnedest things.  


First things first - my sweet beautiful booksmartbutnotstreetsmart puppy dog decided to eat an entire rotisserie chicken out of the trash the day before we left, which resulted in an emergency vet stop and her butthole exploding throughout the night. (she's okay now.) This is only relevant to the story because I got zero sleep, so I will admit that I was already a bit agitated for the first leg of the trip, but I feel in my soul that these things would still annoy me at any point in my life when I have to get to the airport by 7:30am.

This:

- The guy in front of me loading the plane was either running for office or knew a lot of secrets about the A group boarders because at every other seat he stopped to chat with someone. "Oh hey! meet my wife!" "So good to see you!" "Wow you look good this early in the morning!" I mean, really, he did everything short of kissing a baby, and he may have done that when I was turning my head so as to not let the disdain on my face show.  Now, If you know me at all you know that I, too, like to chat. It's a big part of the fiber (ironic, because i have to take gummies) of my being,, but I don't like to stop and chat and hold up a line of people trying to find seats so we can get off of that big metal travel capsule. I'm not sure how you politely tell someone to shut the fuck up and move at 8:30 am, so I just kept it to myself, but every time we stopped my ball of piss and vinegar grew exponentially. 

- Flight Attendant Comedians. Stop it. I promise you that I go to enough comedy shows to know that you aren't, in fact, as hilarious as you think you are. "Turn your phone off - It can't be in silent mode, airplane mode, or Depeche mode. If we see that it's on, it will go in the commode." ooooooooohhhhhhhhmyyyyyyyyygooooooooooshhhhhhhhh stop! You know how comedy clubs require a 2 purchase minimum? That's so you can get liquored up first. You know how they don't have shows at 8:30am? That's because nothing is funny before 10. Nothing. I could see a panda bear eating a banana and riding a bicycle in my front yard and if it's before 10am that shit won't phase me. 



In better news - Here are some other things that happened that made the above 2 things worth it:

1. She takes a wrong turn leaving Chicago (duh, because she refuses to let my brother or I drive in the "big city", but we have a minimum of 27 uturns on any trip when she is driving. bless her.) and we end up in what looks to be the neighborhood that "the sharks" would hang out in if you were watching West Side Story. So we're driving, no big, see a run down auto repair shop that I think was called Eddie's and had 2 big pittbulls behind the fence. Being the dog lover that I am, I started to baby talk them through the car windows where they for sure can't hear me but I can't stop myself, and my mom says in the sweetest most innocent voice "I bet that one's name is Patch!!" - because he has a brown patch around one of his eyes. Yes. His name is Patch. And Kujo's real name was Peaches. 

B. We're getting lost again, duh, and my mom asks for some backup from Siri.

Mom: "Hey, why don't you ask Sirus how we get home?".
Trevor: "Siri"
Mom: "Sirius"
Trevor: "Siri"

So I ask Siri/Sirius/Sirus to get me directions to Sheboygan Falls Wisconsin, to which she replies "Sorry, I could not find directions to Sheboygan Balls". 


3. Coming home we stop at a Chicago hotel to check in before we go see the Red Sox lose again. We had just sat in about 84 minutes of annoying traffic and my mom doesn't do well with patience (apple doesn't fall far). So she's at the front desk checking in, there are 2 black people behind the desk, and she says "Man, traffic around here is awful! I dunno how you people do it!". Immediately I look at my brother and plan an exit strategy. Of course I would try to save her if I could, but she was about 6 feet closer than we were, and Chicago is a patch eat patch town. Thankfully, they must be used to hokey Wisconsin tourists and didn't seem to be bothered at all. So after we're done and walking to our room I say - "hey mom..." to which she replies- 'I know. I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth." Unintential racism is a little hilarious.

K IM DONE WITH LUNCH SO I HAVE TO GO BUT BIG NEWS YOU GUYS!!! I got a new work roommate !!!! It's bittersweet to report that I'm no longer a minority in here, but I think the new girl is going to fit in just fine. 

Love and other drugs,

Mer.

xxoxooxoxoxoxo