So this is 30?

So here we go.. this upcoming Monday is a milestone and I'm pretty excited to

reach it.

There's 2 things I know for sure about turning 30:

1. Most people are pretty bummed when it happens.

2. Gray hair starts popping up faster than you can even pluck it out. (seriously!)


Although I can't say I'm excited about the impending creaky bones and daily Metamucil intake - there are several things that have happened in my first 30 years that I'm pretty cool with leaving behind me in the next 30. I was trying to come up with a list of 30 things until I realized I'm kindofclose to perfection and I can't even THINK of 30 things that I need to improve on. Here goes:


- I'm too modest. Don't be afraid to humble brag a little from 30-60, Mer. You earned it! (this has already started)

- A lot of the things I came up with were excrement and peepee related. (you like how I throw a big word and a baby word at you in one swoop? I'm so good. (see: #1)).  Like, having to wear diapers, peeing the bed, stepping in dog poop, peeing my pants at Haunted Houses - all things happened in my life so far and I would be super cool with letting them all go. (yes, I am fully aware that most of these things will come back around for my last 30 years, but it'll be cool to get rid of em for awhile).

- Getting Arrested. While I will say that this wasn't my fault - so will every other criminal on the planet. Another thing I learned from this is, although it's the worst day of your life, you will come out with a hell of a story. Also, always change your lights when they burn out. Oh - and if you make friends with a lady that has a sling on and bite marks all over her face, she will most definitely ask you to take her to Krystal when you get free. Don't do it. 

- Going Blonde. I'm too pale for this. You know it, I know it, and the weave knows it. 

- Red Lipstick. I'm too pale for this. You know it, I know it, and the weave knows it. No matter what you guys say to me when I try to put crimson on these limp noodles I like to call lips, I look awful in every picture. Stop letting me do this !!

- Sitting on a trampoline when someone is shooting fireworks under it. I will only take half responsibility for this because why was someone shooting fireworks under a trampoline we were sitting on??? Booze can make  life so hilarious and weird.

- Trying to do the 1-2-3 kid kick. You don't know what this is?  click here.  It's the one where the other guy is holding his leg and he spins around and kicks him with his OTHER leg. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! This could be the actual match we were watching when I got the bright idea to do this on the couch/chair. The idea became not so bright when I wiped out and broke my wrist because I couldn't catch my fall with my other hand. Why? Because my pinky was already broken from wrestling another dude. It's a good thing I wasn't a tom boy when I was little - that would be weird. 

- Sushi. That's it. I don't like it, you guys. Quit trying to make me. 

- Buying gummy vitamins from Amazon. Amazon Prime is the best thing to happen to me (such a 30 year old thing to say) but there are some things that you should just buy at the store. Gummy vitamins is one of them. 50% of the time they will come to you melted into one giant gummy. This is only good for parties.

- Going to a Red Sox game with any expectation that they will win because I am there. It just won't happen. Also, included in this, is buying a player specific shirt. Without fail they will be traded or not picked up almost immediately after. I have a green thumb. Or the golden touch. Or awful karma, I forget what they say.

- Taking a good driver's license picture. I'm currently 0-3. The picture above was supposed to be a joke about practicing for my picture. It actually came out better looking than what my license picture did. At what point do you think they'll just let us use one of your instagram pictures? Filters fah dayssssssss. Or, at what point do you think I'll realize it's probably just my face ?


To celebrate 30 my friends planned a big Redneck Themed Scavenger hunt. I'm pretty excited about this. I hope that I can come back on Monday with plenty of stories about how awesome it is, but the truth is, I will probably still be too hungover.

In all honesty I have heard way too many times that your 30's are the best, but I'm not sure how I'm going to top the last 30. I have the best friends and family that I could ever ask for and I'm not sure how it can get better than this. There will probably be a lot more booze, though. Some things you just can't quit.

SEEYOULATERSTAYCOOLASACAMELBYE

We had a gas leak scare at work today so we stood outside for like 13 1/2 minutes, but it's cool.

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy guys I'm back. (from outer space. sidebar: why was Gloria Gaynor's boyfriend in outer space? Do you think she dated Neil Armstrong? Was she the original Taylor Swift? ahhh .. so many unanswered questions. I guess I will survive. (hey hey!)) 

Last weekend I went to the great land of the midwest to visit my mom parent and the rest of the Herb's (sick band name).  Was a great time and I miss her already. Now that the sentimental stuff is out of the way...

There are 2 things I know for sure about travelling:

1. I've been doing so much of it lately that I have formed opinions.

2. My mom says the darnedest things.  


First things first - my sweet beautiful booksmartbutnotstreetsmart puppy dog decided to eat an entire rotisserie chicken out of the trash the day before we left, which resulted in an emergency vet stop and her butthole exploding throughout the night. (she's okay now.) This is only relevant to the story because I got zero sleep, so I will admit that I was already a bit agitated for the first leg of the trip, but I feel in my soul that these things would still annoy me at any point in my life when I have to get to the airport by 7:30am.

This:

- The guy in front of me loading the plane was either running for office or knew a lot of secrets about the A group boarders because at every other seat he stopped to chat with someone. "Oh hey! meet my wife!" "So good to see you!" "Wow you look good this early in the morning!" I mean, really, he did everything short of kissing a baby, and he may have done that when I was turning my head so as to not let the disdain on my face show.  Now, If you know me at all you know that I, too, like to chat. It's a big part of the fiber (ironic, because i have to take gummies) of my being,, but I don't like to stop and chat and hold up a line of people trying to find seats so we can get off of that big metal travel capsule. I'm not sure how you politely tell someone to shut the fuck up and move at 8:30 am, so I just kept it to myself, but every time we stopped my ball of piss and vinegar grew exponentially. 

- Flight Attendant Comedians. Stop it. I promise you that I go to enough comedy shows to know that you aren't, in fact, as hilarious as you think you are. "Turn your phone off - It can't be in silent mode, airplane mode, or Depeche mode. If we see that it's on, it will go in the commode." ooooooooohhhhhhhhmyyyyyyyyygooooooooooshhhhhhhhh stop! You know how comedy clubs require a 2 purchase minimum? That's so you can get liquored up first. You know how they don't have shows at 8:30am? That's because nothing is funny before 10. Nothing. I could see a panda bear eating a banana and riding a bicycle in my front yard and if it's before 10am that shit won't phase me. 



In better news - Here are some other things that happened that made the above 2 things worth it:

1. She takes a wrong turn leaving Chicago (duh, because she refuses to let my brother or I drive in the "big city", but we have a minimum of 27 uturns on any trip when she is driving. bless her.) and we end up in what looks to be the neighborhood that "the sharks" would hang out in if you were watching West Side Story. So we're driving, no big, see a run down auto repair shop that I think was called Eddie's and had 2 big pittbulls behind the fence. Being the dog lover that I am, I started to baby talk them through the car windows where they for sure can't hear me but I can't stop myself, and my mom says in the sweetest most innocent voice "I bet that one's name is Patch!!" - because he has a brown patch around one of his eyes. Yes. His name is Patch. And Kujo's real name was Peaches. 

B. We're getting lost again, duh, and my mom asks for some backup from Siri.

Mom: "Hey, why don't you ask Sirus how we get home?".
Trevor: "Siri"
Mom: "Sirius"
Trevor: "Siri"

So I ask Siri/Sirius/Sirus to get me directions to Sheboygan Falls Wisconsin, to which she replies "Sorry, I could not find directions to Sheboygan Balls". 


3. Coming home we stop at a Chicago hotel to check in before we go see the Red Sox lose again. We had just sat in about 84 minutes of annoying traffic and my mom doesn't do well with patience (apple doesn't fall far). So she's at the front desk checking in, there are 2 black people behind the desk, and she says "Man, traffic around here is awful! I dunno how you people do it!". Immediately I look at my brother and plan an exit strategy. Of course I would try to save her if I could, but she was about 6 feet closer than we were, and Chicago is a patch eat patch town. Thankfully, they must be used to hokey Wisconsin tourists and didn't seem to be bothered at all. So after we're done and walking to our room I say - "hey mom..." to which she replies- 'I know. I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth." Unintential racism is a little hilarious.

K IM DONE WITH LUNCH SO I HAVE TO GO BUT BIG NEWS YOU GUYS!!! I got a new work roommate !!!! It's bittersweet to report that I'm no longer a minority in here, but I think the new girl is going to fit in just fine. 

Love and other drugs,

Mer.

xxoxooxoxoxoxo

 

I started to write this in my sleep last night - that's probably why I didn't get any.

HOLA SENORS AND SENORITAS ! What's that smell?

TEQUILA! 

dun dun du ndu ndu ndu ndu ndu ndunnnnn  - brb gonna try to find a .gif of peewee dancing to put on the side of this now that I have that song in my head.


Nailed it.


There's 2 things I know for sure about right now:

1. I'm running on fumes and half a cup of Ethiopian coffee (bleh!) (No offense, Ethiopians) today.
2. CINCO DE MAYO IS THIS WEEKEND, Y'ALL! 

Ohhhh the 5th of May. Cinco De Mayo. Cindo De Drinko. It should really be called Cinco De Mer-o, amirite? (yes) Not because I'm at all of Mexican descent, which you would for sure know after looking at me for 2.5 seconds because once it's not the summer time anymore my skin becomes a nice shade of translucent,  (that's what happens when you're Irish and German. You get allllllll the drinking genes and none of the pigmentation) BUT! Because basically if someone came up to me and asked if I wanted to drink my margaritas intravenously from now on all day every day, I would probably do it. And by probably I mean definitely. And by definitely I mean - can we start a kickstarter for this? Where are Veronica Mars' people? 

In honor of this delicious holiday, and because I am super good at drinking games (see: this.), I'm gonna help you live this Cinco De Mer-o to the freaking fullest. Or, if you speaka the Spanish, Yo voy a ayudarle a vivir este Cinco De Mer-o a la flipando máximo. (I have no idea if that's a thing.)

1. Drink any time you see a Mexican person actually celebrating the holiday. (The irony isn't lost on me that this is supposed to be a holiday of Mexican Independence and all us gringos go crowd the shit out of Mexican restaurants making them work harder than ever before. Meanwhile, we shut shit DOWN on July 4th. Only thing open are fireworks shops, bars, and hospitals for when people get too drunk and blow off their fingers. It happens. I know for a fact. Anyshit - I hereby promise to crack a Budweiser with everybody who serves me this Sunday when the 4th of July comes around. It just seems right. Ugh you are getting so serious stop it.)

2. Drink any time you see a drunk asshole in a sombrero shooting double finger guns. (This is possibly going to be me every time.)

3. Double drink any time you see a Mexican person who is actually celebrating in a sombrero shooting double finger guns. (Margarona if he's screaming something insanely Mexican - I dunno how to spell undalay or ariba soooo you're on your own here to figure out what that would be.)

4. Take a shot every time you hear someone talking about Jason Collins. This doesn't really have anything to do with the holiday, I just am going to need a shot if people are still talking about this on Sunday.

5. Drink and dance like Pee Wee Herman whenever you hear that TEQUILA! song.

6. Take a shot whenever you hear someone telling a story about trying to make plans with their friends for Cinco De Mayo and their dumb one asks when it is. 

7. Also then buy a shot for that person, because they're gonna need it.

8. Stop living your life by all the rules! Get crazy with it! Drink when you want to! Ask yourselves WWMD ! (What would Mer do - not Web Web MD (cancer))


Ugh - That's all I got you guys. I'm sorry I couldn't do better on this one - but the moral of the story is, let's get out there and celebrate for the Mexicans, because they aren't out there to celebrate for themselves!!

LET'S STOP TALKING AND LET'S START LIVING! 

ps - If you ever see a rose coming up from a crack in the concrete, just know that Tupac is not far behind. 

pps- CINCO PUPPIES

KSEEYA 

Look at that girl with the daisy dukes on (EVERYBODY!)

I've missed you guys so much. Have you missed me? Of course you have, that's just silly. Been a crazy little stretch of life since I last blogged and the last week or so I've been in a "I get to drink vodka so soon" haze that left me with the inability to properly form sentences. Thank goodness lent is over. I celebrated the way anybody else celebrates rebirth. Vodka red bull.

Speaking of rebirth, there's 2 things I know for sure about babies:

1. A freaking ton of people I know these days are looking into getting, or have already given birth to, one. 

2. Not all of them are cute.


What do you do when you come across an ugly baby? Good question, hoss. I feel like I should preface this by saying all of my friends who have chosen to spawn fruit from their loins have had super cute ones. I really do mean that (seriously) and I'm not lying (for real you have cute kids) so don't get all weirdo on me and ask me if I think your kid is ugly or you look fat in that dress. Either way I'm going to be honest with you. Ask Rachel. BUT not all babies are fortunate enough to come from parents as beautiful as my friends, so they come out a little wonky looking. Look, it's fine. Sometimes they grow up to be beautiful. Sometimes they grow up to develop awesome personalities which lead them to becoming amazing actors and/or actresses and they get nominated for an Emmy for kicking ass as Nucky Thompson. Or, there's always radio. The world takes all kinds, people, and that's okay! 

That said - if you see a Buscemi baby, here are my suggestions of things you can say/do to appropriately, and delicately, handle the situation.

• You had a baby! Congratulations that is so exciting!! I remember when my dog was a puppy and her head was too big for her body and then when she grew up she kind of grew into it. I feel like puppies and babies can be so similar sometimes! I just love them!
•  OH MAN IT'S A BABY! And look at that outfit - it is just so darling. Baby clothes can make any baby look adorable!  (You also sound legit when you say things like "darling" about babies)

• Oooooooooooooh! It's your baby!!! Look at that face!!! (Tone is key here. You must, and I mean must, say "that" in a way that makes them think this is a positive thing, despite what your gut is telling you.) 
• Try to point out the least offensive features. Oh! So much hair! What?? Those eyes are so blue! Goodness! Look at those cute baby finger nails! Even the ugliest of babies have to have a redeeming quality somewhere. 
• If all else fails, just run. You run hard and you run fast and while you're running you can think of reasons as to why you just ran away for no reason. Maybe you're allergic? Maybe you saw a wasp? Maybe you just don't care for ugly babies? You have plenty of time to figure it out.

That's all I got for now, but I would like to point out, that most of these things are also acceptable for ugly adults. If you ever get into a sticky situation just remember these rules. Whenever people I know get a bad hair cut or dye job, I like to tell them it really brings out their eyes. This is because I'm actively staring into their eyes as to not look at their hair. 

If you have any other pointers, please feel free to share. I know like 4 pregnant people and they all read this blog. 

ILOVEYOUBYE !!! 

Shine bright like a diamond

Big weekend you guys - You know what I'm talking about. It's new Pope weekend!!

There's 2 things I know for sure about new Pope weekend:

1. It almost always coincides with St. Paddy's Day.
2. I know nothing about new Pope weekend.

Seriously, though, we need to really rock this out for the big guy. Am I Catholic? Nope. I'm also only part Irish (the good part), but that's not gonna stop me from doing what Catholics do third best! (Drinking, in case you didn't figure that part out. Comes after being depressed about football and sinning. At the risk of offending or outing my Catholic friends, I'm going to leave "sinning" as a broad statement.)

I dunno about you, but I love green beer about as much as I love any kind of green alcohol.  Or any colored beer, for that matter. Moreso if we're talking that apple pucker shit. Basically it being green has no purpose other than it's fun and will match my outfit. But, I'm SUPER PUMPED FOR IT! Some of my favorite things to do on St. Paddy's day are hanging out with my friends, walking around, not pinching people because that's weird, listening to awesome voicemails people leave in my hotel room (this is a real thing. click on it ), hanging out on hotel balconies playing drinking games, and also sometimes I enjoy a beer or cocktail or 20. Seeing as how this year I'm still off the vodka (16 more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) we'll be doing a lot of the beer thing. Nothin says Paddy's day like a green beer mustache that just won't quit!

In order to make this St. Patrick's day more fun, I'll be doing this in a group of people instead of alone. I suggest you do the same. Drinking alone only has it's pros when you're puking and you don't want people to see you. Or when someone broke up with you via text message and you don't want people to see you. Or if you have no friends so you don't care if people see you because there is no one to see you. Also, drinking green beer at home can be a little dangerous. I know from experience that a little dab'el do ya. No need for 4 squirts in one pint. (that's what she said?). Basically you'll ruin your tongue color for a week but everything is fine. 

I will be celebrating on Saturday and Sunday and I'm hoping to get people on board to play this drinking game with me - so please, let's make this a thing. I'm putting it in writing so we can pull it up when we're out and we don't remember.

1. Drink any time you see a real life ginger. 
2. Drink any time you see an asshole trying to dance like a leprechaun.
3. Double drink any time you see a real life ginger asshole dancing like a leprechaun.
4. Drink every time you stand in line for more than  5 minutes for anything. (jk don't do that, you'll only ever be drinking)
5. Drink any time you see someone peeing or puking in a place that's not a bathroom.
6. Everyone you're with has to drink if you see a black irishman. Like, a real one. 
7. Take a shot every time you hear about gold at the end of a rainbow.
8. Marry the person who has actual gold at the end of a rainbow.
9. Drink every time you see someone with a green peen on their face. (or their body. Who am I to judge?!)

K I WOULD LOVE TO STAY BUT I NEED TO START PREPPING MY LIVER ! 

Ps you guys what if we had a black pope? the world would've exfreakingsploded!


BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE      

I always thought James Naismith was a black person

Hey guys - I'm back. Shining bright like a diamond (duh). 

There's 2 things I know for sure about James Naismith:

1. He is the creator of basketball. (I learned that in my History of Sports in the Media class I took in college. Yes, that's a real class and yes, it did help me win a game of Bamboozled one time.)

2. This whole time I thought he was a black guy until I was talking to my work roommate about it and he assured me the guy was white. Turns out, according to google, he wasn't just any white guy. He was a super white guy. See here ---------->

That looks like a dude you'd wanna have sequestered because he's just too white to be real life. So, whatever, I'm all kinds of wrong about it but I just don't understand how he's not a black dude. The majority of the James' I know are black. Except for and the Giant Peach. Or my friends husband who has super cool dreads. Every other James? Black dude. But moving on...

You know what I know you're gonna ask now? "Why were you guys talking about James Naismith?". I was right, wasn't I? (Of course I was right! Because even if you weren't gonna ask that it doesn't matter because this is my blog and in my head you totally did ask that, so you're welcome!). WELL I WILL TELL YOU, YOU SILLY GOOSE! We got there on a long road that started with the Harlem Shake and ended with the comments on a Harlem Shake video.

If you guys are bewildered about what I'm talking about, let me explain.

Apparently some people, and yes they are mostly black, are pretty TO'd about white people "stealing" the Harlem Shake. 

Here is what it is supposed to look like, I guess:

Real Shake
  

And here is what is all over the internet like a case of the Herpes...or glitter, which is the herpes of art supplies:


Fake Shake

I mean - either way they're both hilarious if you ask me, and you are because you're reading this. I dunno how those people from Harlem do it, but somehow they make their arms move like they're moist cheese curds all while idiosyncratically moving their feet in ways I didn't know it was possible for the human body to move. It's impressive, really. But - you know what else is impressive? Watching essentially  the same video done by 700 people and it's still funny. So, in that case, I feel like we should just all agree that both Harlem Shake's have a place in this world and we should just all settle down, drink a 40 oz of miller lite or colt 45 respectively, and enjoy everything the internet has to offer. Because, really, I'm pretty sure black people have other things they should be more concerned with. Seriously. I will give you a list of them, because I super like lists and it makes things look way bigger when you list them one by one.

1. Chris Brown and Rhianna are engaged? Jesus take the wheel. 

2. Dennis Rodman  went to North Korea and is now talking about how "great" Kim Jung Un is. This is a real thing. Google it.

3. Kobe Bryant is still not in jail and could be raping you at any time. Or even worse than that and also (kindof) related - Rondo tore his ACL. Basically his ACL got Rondo'd.  

4. We still don't know who shot Tupac and Biggie.

5. Being ashy. It's cold outside, guys. And as a white girl - if it's fucking me up, I know it's fucking you up. 

6. Beyonce tickets sold out everywhere in like 35 seconds and now cost a million dollars. Yes, I'm STILL mad about this!!

7. That's about the extent of my black people problem knowledge - but there's a whole tumblr dedicated to it - so I KNOW there's shit worse than the Harlem Shake videos on there: http://blackpeopleproblem.tumblr.com/. 

8. I accidentally stayed 30 minutes late at work today. 

Also, you should move on to the goat remix videos anyway. The Taylor Swift and Gotye ones made me pee a little in my pantaloons.


I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH MY TEETH HURT SEEEEEEYAAAAAAAABYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  

Took me 3 days to get sober enough to write this

Mardi Gras.

That's where I was and that's what this blog is going to be about. Kind of like a "do's" and "dont's" but way less mommish.

There's 2 things I know for sure about Mardi Gras:

1. You're gonna get drunk. 
2. You're gonna get really drunk. 

First thing's first - please do look at the gif to the right here of my friend failing to win the flashdance dance on the bed game that somehow was a good idea after a long day of drinking. You should probably watch it 8 times a day, because that's what I do. I would love to show you the whole video, but that's a process and I just gave up vodka for lent so I'm not trying to do anybody any favors today.

Also, do go with fun people. The majority of my laughter was spent at the hotel rooms and waiting for parades to arrive. Sure, getting wasted and hit on and having your ass full hand grabbed at the bar/on the street is fun, but it's not as fun as interviewing the drunkest of your friends so that you can watch the shenanigans in the morning. Or - as you see above - watching them fall off the bed. Nothing in the history of anything is more fun than watching your friend Harlem shake herself onto the floor. (I hear the "Harlem shake" is back, but it's been super whited down). Do you get my point here? If not, please stop reading and look up and to the right again. I just did - and a little pee came out.

Don't try to plan anything. You can try, but nothing you plan out is going to work the way you think it is. Planning on meeting your friends at the hotel when you get there so you can go out? Wrong. There's going to be a parade that makes it impossible to even get to your hotel. Don't worry though, because you're going to end up running into them whilst talking to cops on horses. Planning on not taking shots? Wrong, some chick is literally going to shot rape your mouth for $27. Planning on having a chill first night there since you got in at 10pm? haha - yeah right - you're going to be pulled on stage with a girl who is literally showing her boobs and vag, have a dance party at a daquiri bar, pay $30 to go into a gay bar before one of your friends makes you leave, go pay another $15 to watch a big dick contest while same friend cries about a boy, fall off of a stool (but land on your feet), and then have to help your other friend run away from big dick #3. What's that saying go? You make plans and God laughs? I also feel like God is laughing at my lack of vodka for the next 40 days. Rude. 

 
Speaking of dont's - don't use your debit card. If you're like me and try to not put things on credit (mostly because they're maxed out) and try to only use your debit card - you're going to get screwed. Why would you get screwed? Oh because they know you're out of town and wasted and they will charge your card $100 for a $17 tab. How do I know that will happen? Because it did. Just like everything else in this blog. So - if you aren't going to save your receipts, which you won't because I'm the only asshole who does that - use your credit card so you can dispute those charges.

Don't bring panties. I don't say this because I want you to be hoochie or gross, I say this because when you walk down the street you will get several pairs thrown at you. This way, you can save your good stuff and just wear what you get. You probably will feel less bad about peeing your pants that way, too. Not that peeing your pants ever happens...

Back to do's - do go with friends who have been to Mardi Gras before. Especially if those friends have friends who go as well. Met some awesome people that we got to hang out with and actually knew what they were doing. That is, until your fally mcfallerson friend wanders alone because she's bored at Fat Tuesdays so you end up somewhere else. But, that's neither here nor there - or anywhere because where the f did she go!?! 

Lastly, do go to Mardi Gras. The younger you are the better. I'm pushing 30 and day 3 was getting pretty rough - and that is for someone who drinks regularly. If you don't have a liver soaked with vodka and Abita you should probably train for this kindof thing. Jesus take the wheel for you if you're a light weekend drinker. I honestly don't think you'll make it. If you need training tips let me know, I can type some out for you. 

That's all for this today. I need to go eat girl scout cookies and plan out how I'm going to use my last day of vodka drinking for awhile. Oh it's so good. In shots. With Red Bull. Flavored with soda and a splash of cran...whyamidoingthistomyself?!?! HOLD ME BYEEEEEEEEEE