We had a gas leak scare at work today so we stood outside for like 13 1/2 minutes, but it's cool.

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy guys I'm back. (from outer space. sidebar: why was Gloria Gaynor's boyfriend in outer space? Do you think she dated Neil Armstrong? Was she the original Taylor Swift? ahhh .. so many unanswered questions. I guess I will survive. (hey hey!)) 

Last weekend I went to the great land of the midwest to visit my mom parent and the rest of the Herb's (sick band name).  Was a great time and I miss her already. Now that the sentimental stuff is out of the way...

There are 2 things I know for sure about travelling:

1. I've been doing so much of it lately that I have formed opinions.

2. My mom says the darnedest things.  


First things first - my sweet beautiful booksmartbutnotstreetsmart puppy dog decided to eat an entire rotisserie chicken out of the trash the day before we left, which resulted in an emergency vet stop and her butthole exploding throughout the night. (she's okay now.) This is only relevant to the story because I got zero sleep, so I will admit that I was already a bit agitated for the first leg of the trip, but I feel in my soul that these things would still annoy me at any point in my life when I have to get to the airport by 7:30am.

This:

- The guy in front of me loading the plane was either running for office or knew a lot of secrets about the A group boarders because at every other seat he stopped to chat with someone. "Oh hey! meet my wife!" "So good to see you!" "Wow you look good this early in the morning!" I mean, really, he did everything short of kissing a baby, and he may have done that when I was turning my head so as to not let the disdain on my face show.  Now, If you know me at all you know that I, too, like to chat. It's a big part of the fiber (ironic, because i have to take gummies) of my being,, but I don't like to stop and chat and hold up a line of people trying to find seats so we can get off of that big metal travel capsule. I'm not sure how you politely tell someone to shut the fuck up and move at 8:30 am, so I just kept it to myself, but every time we stopped my ball of piss and vinegar grew exponentially. 

- Flight Attendant Comedians. Stop it. I promise you that I go to enough comedy shows to know that you aren't, in fact, as hilarious as you think you are. "Turn your phone off - It can't be in silent mode, airplane mode, or Depeche mode. If we see that it's on, it will go in the commode." ooooooooohhhhhhhhmyyyyyyyyygooooooooooshhhhhhhhh stop! You know how comedy clubs require a 2 purchase minimum? That's so you can get liquored up first. You know how they don't have shows at 8:30am? That's because nothing is funny before 10. Nothing. I could see a panda bear eating a banana and riding a bicycle in my front yard and if it's before 10am that shit won't phase me. 



In better news - Here are some other things that happened that made the above 2 things worth it:

1. She takes a wrong turn leaving Chicago (duh, because she refuses to let my brother or I drive in the "big city", but we have a minimum of 27 uturns on any trip when she is driving. bless her.) and we end up in what looks to be the neighborhood that "the sharks" would hang out in if you were watching West Side Story. So we're driving, no big, see a run down auto repair shop that I think was called Eddie's and had 2 big pittbulls behind the fence. Being the dog lover that I am, I started to baby talk them through the car windows where they for sure can't hear me but I can't stop myself, and my mom says in the sweetest most innocent voice "I bet that one's name is Patch!!" - because he has a brown patch around one of his eyes. Yes. His name is Patch. And Kujo's real name was Peaches. 

B. We're getting lost again, duh, and my mom asks for some backup from Siri.

Mom: "Hey, why don't you ask Sirus how we get home?".
Trevor: "Siri"
Mom: "Sirius"
Trevor: "Siri"

So I ask Siri/Sirius/Sirus to get me directions to Sheboygan Falls Wisconsin, to which she replies "Sorry, I could not find directions to Sheboygan Balls". 


3. Coming home we stop at a Chicago hotel to check in before we go see the Red Sox lose again. We had just sat in about 84 minutes of annoying traffic and my mom doesn't do well with patience (apple doesn't fall far). So she's at the front desk checking in, there are 2 black people behind the desk, and she says "Man, traffic around here is awful! I dunno how you people do it!". Immediately I look at my brother and plan an exit strategy. Of course I would try to save her if I could, but she was about 6 feet closer than we were, and Chicago is a patch eat patch town. Thankfully, they must be used to hokey Wisconsin tourists and didn't seem to be bothered at all. So after we're done and walking to our room I say - "hey mom..." to which she replies- 'I know. I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth." Unintential racism is a little hilarious.

K IM DONE WITH LUNCH SO I HAVE TO GO BUT BIG NEWS YOU GUYS!!! I got a new work roommate !!!! It's bittersweet to report that I'm no longer a minority in here, but I think the new girl is going to fit in just fine. 

Love and other drugs,

Mer.

xxoxooxoxoxoxo

 

I started to write this in my sleep last night - that's probably why I didn't get any.

HOLA SENORS AND SENORITAS ! What's that smell?

TEQUILA! 

dun dun du ndu ndu ndu ndu ndu ndunnnnn  - brb gonna try to find a .gif of peewee dancing to put on the side of this now that I have that song in my head.


Nailed it.


There's 2 things I know for sure about right now:

1. I'm running on fumes and half a cup of Ethiopian coffee (bleh!) (No offense, Ethiopians) today.
2. CINCO DE MAYO IS THIS WEEKEND, Y'ALL! 

Ohhhh the 5th of May. Cinco De Mayo. Cindo De Drinko. It should really be called Cinco De Mer-o, amirite? (yes) Not because I'm at all of Mexican descent, which you would for sure know after looking at me for 2.5 seconds because once it's not the summer time anymore my skin becomes a nice shade of translucent,  (that's what happens when you're Irish and German. You get allllllll the drinking genes and none of the pigmentation) BUT! Because basically if someone came up to me and asked if I wanted to drink my margaritas intravenously from now on all day every day, I would probably do it. And by probably I mean definitely. And by definitely I mean - can we start a kickstarter for this? Where are Veronica Mars' people? 

In honor of this delicious holiday, and because I am super good at drinking games (see: this.), I'm gonna help you live this Cinco De Mer-o to the freaking fullest. Or, if you speaka the Spanish, Yo voy a ayudarle a vivir este Cinco De Mer-o a la flipando máximo. (I have no idea if that's a thing.)

1. Drink any time you see a Mexican person actually celebrating the holiday. (The irony isn't lost on me that this is supposed to be a holiday of Mexican Independence and all us gringos go crowd the shit out of Mexican restaurants making them work harder than ever before. Meanwhile, we shut shit DOWN on July 4th. Only thing open are fireworks shops, bars, and hospitals for when people get too drunk and blow off their fingers. It happens. I know for a fact. Anyshit - I hereby promise to crack a Budweiser with everybody who serves me this Sunday when the 4th of July comes around. It just seems right. Ugh you are getting so serious stop it.)

2. Drink any time you see a drunk asshole in a sombrero shooting double finger guns. (This is possibly going to be me every time.)

3. Double drink any time you see a Mexican person who is actually celebrating in a sombrero shooting double finger guns. (Margarona if he's screaming something insanely Mexican - I dunno how to spell undalay or ariba soooo you're on your own here to figure out what that would be.)

4. Take a shot every time you hear someone talking about Jason Collins. This doesn't really have anything to do with the holiday, I just am going to need a shot if people are still talking about this on Sunday.

5. Drink and dance like Pee Wee Herman whenever you hear that TEQUILA! song.

6. Take a shot whenever you hear someone telling a story about trying to make plans with their friends for Cinco De Mayo and their dumb one asks when it is. 

7. Also then buy a shot for that person, because they're gonna need it.

8. Stop living your life by all the rules! Get crazy with it! Drink when you want to! Ask yourselves WWMD ! (What would Mer do - not Web Web MD (cancer))


Ugh - That's all I got you guys. I'm sorry I couldn't do better on this one - but the moral of the story is, let's get out there and celebrate for the Mexicans, because they aren't out there to celebrate for themselves!!

LET'S STOP TALKING AND LET'S START LIVING! 

ps - If you ever see a rose coming up from a crack in the concrete, just know that Tupac is not far behind. 

pps- CINCO PUPPIES

KSEEYA